


All I've Ever Wanted

by bbbkot



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drama, F/F, F/M, Fire, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares, Romance, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2018-09-06 17:06:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8761717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbbkot/pseuds/bbbkot
Summary: Clarke and Lexa have been friends since they were 5. Now they are at University together. Clarke has faced trauma and upset and Lexa has been the only constant in her life. Lexa has no idea how Clarke feels. Can Clarke actually admit how she feels? Can Clarke come to terms with what has happened? Will there be a happy ever after?





	1. Chapter 1

**ALL I’VE EVER WANTED**

**Chapter One**  
  
It’s a Thursday morning sun beaming through the wide, floor-to-ceiling windows. This automatically brightens my mood after a sleep that was disturbed by that recurring dream – well I’m sure a psychologist would call it a nightmare. But I don’t need a psychologist to tell me that!!! I sit on the end of my bed momentarily recalling the faceless monster in my nightmare.  
  
I am suddenly aware of a knocking, more like a panicked banging and a muffled voice shouting what seems to be my name.  
  
Oh that’s actually happening. It’s my front door that is just about to be battered off its hinges. I grab my robe and run down the stairs two at a time. I fling the thick wooden door open just in time before it’s broken down to be greeted by a frantic Lexa. Lexa has been my best friend since first year at primary school and knows me better than anyone.  
“Clarke what the hell? I’ve been knocking for ages and you weren’t answering your phone” she yells.  
  
“I didn’t have a great night sleep so was just catching up” I say not making eye contact. Lexa knows all about my nightmare and the effect it has had on my life since 2nd year at senior school.  
  
“Clarke I’ve told you to ring me, text me or IM me if that happens. You know I’d be here in a heartbeat.” The sympathy in her voice is genuine and I know she would do that but the problem is, I am never able to wake up once the nightmare takes grip.  
  
“Anyways Clarke only a few more days until we go back to uni. We need to ramp things up until then. What dya wanna do?”  
  
Lexa has been ‘bored’ since she split up with Costia. Lexa had been obsessed with Costia for months before plucking up the courage to actually ask her out. But ultimately Costia broke her heart. I could see it coming a mile off but Lexa wasn’t having any of it. She even accused me of being jealous because I was single.  
  
“I’m not exactly ready to do anything – I’ve just rolled out of bed” I point out.  
  
“Babes, you look fine hun. You’ve got that ‘just rolled out of bed’ look down to an art – beautiful babes.” Lexa is forever flirting with me thinking it’s just harmless fun but every time she does, it’s like a stab to my insides. If only she knew.  
  
“Earth to Clarke, Earth to Clarke!!”  
  
Again I am suddenly jolted back to the here and now by my best friend.  
  
“Where did you go Clarke?” exclaims Lexa.  
  
Prompted into action I start up the stairs “gonna get changed Lex, won’t be long. Come up if you want or grab yourself a drink from the kitchen. No-one’s in – mum is at the hospital.”  
  
Again I take the stairs two at a time and go into my room. I have a king-sized bed, which hasn’t been shared with anyone for almost a year, pushed against the back wall with a triple wardrobe and two chest of drawers. An electric guitar sits in the corner – I haven’t played it in months. I turn on my iPod and some random Luke Bryan song comes on. “Damn you Lexa!” She has a habit of fiddling with my iPod and downloading songs she likes. I go into my en-suite bathroom and brush my teeth, I try and sort my hair out into something that looks decent, not to much avail. I go back into my bedroom and remove my robe and pyjama vest top. As I turn to my wardrobe to choose todays ensemble I am startled. Lexa is stood against my bedroom doorway with that little smirk on her face, where the left side of her mouth curls up ever so slightly. I doubt anyone else would notice, it is that subtle.  
  
“Lexa what the …..”  
  
“Chill C, just admiring the view” say Lexa laughing wildly.  
  
I realise I am still top half naked and grab my robe “Lexa that’s not funny” I protest.  
  
“God Clarke I’ve seen you naked more times than I’ve had hot dinner. What’s the sudden fuss?” Lexa sounds offended.  
  
“Nothing Lex, you know I’m not comfy having people look at my scars.” I burst into tears.  
  
Lexa rushes over and puts her arms around me “Clarke it’s me, I know, I understand, they don’t bother me.” She hugs me so hard I can barely breath.  
“I know, it’s just ….” I stammer between sobs. All I can feel is Lexa’s body pushed against me and my heart-rate starts to increase dramatically. I can smell the lavender scent of Lexa’s shower gel.  
  
“Just what Clarke?” There is an endless silence. “What Clarke?” Lexa pleads.  
  
How do I tell my best friend the true extent of nightmare and the true extent of my feelings for her?  
  
“Nothing, it’s nothing. Let’s just get ready and go bowling.” I pull myself away from the comfort of Lexa’s arms and that heavenly smell and go back in the bathroom to try and compose myself and sort out my tear-stained, blotchy face.  
  
“There’s something you’re not telling me Clarke but as always you’ll tell me in your own time.” Lexa is probably the most patient and understanding person I have ever met. “Let’s get ready.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls spend the night before Uni starts back in the local bar.

Chapter Two

A week later we are back at University after Spring Break. It doesn’t feel like we’ve even been away from the place. I’ve not had a nightmare since the night before bowling with Lexa. But I know it’s only a matter of time before it rears it's ugly head again.

We are almost through our first year. We decided in year 9 at senior school that we would go to the same University – after all, we had done all our schooling with each other. We have been inseparable for 14 years.

“Come on C, let’s dump our stuff in our room and head off for a drink or two. No point in getting back to the academia of this place until we really have to” enthuses Lexa. Sharing a room this semester is going to be different without Costia around all the time. We haul our bags up the front stairs and along the corridor. We were lucky enough to be allocated a dorm room on the ground floor – no stumbling up the stairs when we’ve had a few too many!!!

I start to unpack and hang clothes in the wardrobe we share. “Not now Clarke. That can be done later. I wanna go get a drink and dance the night away, maybe get lucky!!!” Lexa really is insatiable.

“Ok but don’t you want to get changed first. We’ve been in these clothes for 6 hours in a sweaty car. I can’t go out like this” I plead with Lexa. “Hun, I’ve told you a million times you are beautiful in whatever you wear. Any guy would be mad not to look at you.” I can feel the colour rise in my cheeks rise at her comment.

“Okay, Okay let’s go.” We walk the two miles to the local bar so we don’t argue who has to stick to soft drinks all night. We talk about all kinds of things during the walk including Costia, the topics of our final essays of the year, how many girls Lexa wants to kiss before the semester is over; we can talk for hours about all kinds of things. Most of the time it is just useless drivel.

The local bar is called The Arc and has a typical bar feel to it from the outside with its name in a huge neon sign on the roof to the bikes and trucks parked out front with locals spilling into the car park with their drinks. The music can be heard from quite a distance.

“Ooooh, I’ve missed this place, haven’t you Clarke?” screeches Lexa excitedly. “Indeed I have!! It’s not like there are these kind of places in every town within a 200 mile radius” I answer sarcastically. Lexa punches my arm playfully as we walk in.

We head straight for the bar and I can already see Lexa checking out the clientele. Wells, our favourite barman, is working tonight. “Hey girls, we’ve missed you. Let me guess, Bud Light for you Clarke and for your Lexa a dirty martini?” Wells says giving me the huge grin I usually get from him. Lexa is sure he fancies me but I’ve never noticed.

“Make that two Bud Lights and 2 Tequilas, me and Clarke mean business tonight Wells” states Lexa. I turn Lexa towards me “Are you sure we should tonight? We have classes tomorrow afternoon.” “Yeah the operative word there being afternoon!” giggles Lexa.

Wells serves us our two ice cold Buds and puts down four tequilas in front of us not the two Lexa had ordered. “These two are on me, sounds like you wanna have some fun tonight” Wells winks at me. Maybe Wells is flirting with me. “Thanks Wells, I’m sure Clarke will give you a special thank you later” winks Lexa.

We take our drinks to one of the booths at the back of the bar. This is where we usually set up for a night. It’s comfy, spacious and best of all we can see all of the actions at the bar. “C, you know Wells likes you. I think he is just too shy to ask you out” teases Lexa.

“Well you don’t help things by implying the feelings are mutual” I warn. “They’re not?” Lexa asks. The shock in her voice is noticeable.

“No Lexa they are not. I’m not into him that way so please stop with the insinuations” I plead. “Okay, okay. Let’s just drink and dance the night away” Lexa says standing up grabbing my hand dragging me to the dance floor.

I’m not much of a dancing person and Lexa knows this but I think she just wants to check out any ladies that might tickle her fancy. We stand there swaying and twirling to some random Taylor Swift song and the to an old song by Backstreet Boys.

We go back to our booth and drink like we haven’t had anything to drink in days. We swiftly finish our drinks and Wells brings over several more which we consume gratefully between dancing like mad women. The more we drink the more we dance like lunatics.

No-one catches Lexa’s eye which I know annoys the hell out of her. She likes to think of herself as a one woman pulling machine. And yeah she has the looks; long brown hair and the most intense green eyes you will ever see. She has that air of confidence but deep down she likes the attention. It’s an ego boost and when she doesn’t get it she can retreat into herself. But I think the only reason that is not happening tonight is she is suitably lubricated!

The bar is busy so I hadn’t been taking much notice of who was coming and going. I was just enjoying myself in the company of my best friend. Just after midnight we decide it’s time to leave. We say our goodbyes to Wells, who comes round the bar to give us each a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Text me when you get back to your dorm otherwise I will worry” he says.

As we walk to the door the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I feel like someone is watching me. I scan the room and it’s only as Lexa opens the door that I think I see him. My heart rate quickens and my palms go sweaty. I literally push Lexa out of the way.

“Wow your horses there Clarke. What’s the matter?” questions Lexa as she turns to me. “Christ you look like you’ve seen a ghost. What’s the matter Clark? You’re worrying me.”

I literally cannot speak. I just want to get the hell out of there. I begin to walk quickly away down the road back toward our dorm.

Lexa frantically runs after me. “What is it C? What did you see? What got you so spooked?”

I stop and turn to her, I can still see the bar. I look over her shoulder and he’s there. It’s definitely him. It’s the faceless monster from my nightmare.

I turn and sprint away to the nearby taxi rank. I grab a taxi, “Lexa are you coming?” I yell with the taxi door open.

Lexa hurriedly gets in and gives the driver the address of our dorm. As soon as we pull up outside the building I jump out like the taxi is on fire and rush into our room leaving Lexa to cover the taxi fare.

As soon as we are both safely in our room I look outside our door checking up and down the corridor, slam the door shut and bolt it quickly. I go over to the windows making sure they are locked ad pull the drapes shut.

I don’t even look at Lexa – I’m not sure I know how to verbalise what I am feeling. I go into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I collapse onto the floor in floods of tears.

“Clarke, what the hell happened back there?” yells Lexa banging on the other side of the bathroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the 2nd chapter. Updates probably won't be as quick as this one has been.  
> As always the work and mistakes are solely my own.  
> Any feedback/ comments greatly appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could end up being a longish chapter. This chapter deals with reference to abuse.

I'm in a heap of uncontrollable sobbing on the cold, hard tiles of our tiny bathroom. This cannot be happening. How did I not realise it was him in my nightmare? Is it him in my nightmare? Am I just loosing my mind?

"Clarke please, c'mon let me in. You're scaring me" Lexa voice sounds worried. "All I want to do is help. I've not seen you act like that since ....." Lexa suddenly goes silent. "Clarke let me in or I swear to god I will break this door down" Lexa yells. "Clarke godammit. You're gonna pay for a new door." 

Bang, bang, bang - Lexa is shoulder baring the door with all her strength. Kick, kick, kick - Lexa slams her foot against the bottom panels. Suddenly there is a large crack. The bottom panel splits where Lexa's boot was just a mili-second ago. Lexa bends down and pushes the rest of the broken panel away from herself so she can see me.

Lexa takes an audible sharp breath. What she see makes her panic. She reaches through the panel with her left arm and upto the key near the handle. She unlocks the door and rushes as fast as she can forward towards me on her hands and knees. 

I am balled up next to the bath just staring wildly at the black and white floor tiles.  My knees are folded up to my chest with my arms wrapped tightly around them. My face is expressionless which makes my eyes looks wilder than they probably are.

"Clarke?" Lexa whispers "Clarke sweetie?" 

No response, not even an eye blink. Lexa decides words probably aren't going to work right now. So instead she shuffles closer to me and envelops me in her arms hoping that the hug will relax me. Lexa rests her head against my right shoulder. No words are spoken. Both of us just scrunched up in a ball together. If you walked in to that bathroom you wouldn't be able to tell where one girl finished and the other started. 

After what seemed like hours I begin to relax just a little so Lexa lifts her head off my shoulder. I turn my head towards her. When she looks into my blue eyes she sees a mixture of fear and something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"Clarke you scared me. Are you okay?" questions Lexa.

"Lexa, it...it...it was him" I stumble. Tears start to roll down my face again.

"Who was him?" Lexa is confused.

"He was at The Arc. Him. From my nightmare" I sob.

"Are you sure." Lexa queries.

My expression must have said it all. Lexa obviously realised I was sure. "But hunny, you've had a lot to drink. I'm sure it was just your mind playing tricks on you" states Lexa. "You've had that nightmare again only the other week and I bet it's still on your subconscious."

"But he was so real" I plead. I know what I felt and what I saw.

"He probably was real" Lexa starts before seeing my eye's almost popping out of my head. "No, I don't mean it was him, I mean what you saw was probably a real person just not him but you're mind playing tricks on you due to the alcohol" finishes Lexa.

"Maybe that sounds more likely than him being actually around" I mumble.

It had been unsaid between us but we both knew who we meant when we said 'him'. Lexa had been the first person I had trusted when I was 12 with my biggest secret. It was whilst I was recovering in hospital from the burns I got in our house fire. I remember the day I told her like it was yesterday. I had broken down uncontrollably on Lexa but through uncontrollable sobs I had told Lexa what my mother's best-friends husband had been doing to me since I was 9. And that is why the fire started. He was babysitting me and as I was sitting on the settee he had decided it was to be 'special time' again.

But that night I had decided enough was enough and as he came towards me on the sofa I stood up and pushed him away. He stumbled backwards and as he tried to stop himself from falling over he knocked some lit candles off the side table. The candles had been lit as there was a power cut.

These candles set the window drapes alight which caused a fire to spread rapidly. As he noticed what was happening with the fire he pushed past me knocking me over in the process. I banged my head on the side of the coffee table and blacked out.

It turns out he didn't stop to check I was ok, didn't stop to call emergency services. He just did not stop. I was only rescued when our next door neighbours, the Collins, came home from a family night out. They called the emergency services but their son,Finn, with complete disregard to his own life, ran into the my house. He found me and carried me out. 

I suffered 2nd degree burns to my left arm, left shoulder, left side of my neck and most of the left side of my torso. Finn ended up with 3rd degree burns to his hands. We both spent time in hospital.

I told Lexa the day after my first skin graft operation.  She was distraught but persuaded me to tell my parents: Abby and Jake, who contacted the police. 'He' was subsequently arrested, charged and 2 years later after a short court case was sentenced to 7 years in prison.

I was broken from my thoughts by Lexa moving position. "Clarke my leg has gone to sleep. I need to get up. Sorry."

Lexa stood up and after a few seconds of stamping her leg back to life helps me up. "Clarke I am here for you, you know. Don't keep things bottled up. We can always talk things through. Do not go through this on your own." Lexa pulls me to her and again wraps her arms around me. 

"I know Lex, I just thought you would think I was bat-shit crazy!" 

Lexa laughs "I've always known that!"

As Lexa pulls away from me I can't help but feel a pang of sadness. I wish I could open up to Lexa about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always work and errors are my own.  
> Let me know what you think.  
> I know it is quite an emotional, hard chapter but things will get cheerier.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been 16 months since I added anything to this story. Life got in the way :o(
> 
> Hopefully now everything is back on track I can get back into this a bit more regularly.

Lexa leads me out of the bathroom – I swear she thinks I’m gonna just collapse at any given moment.  
“Lex please I’m fine – I can manage to walk to the sofa by myself – I do not need molly coddling.”

“Clarke – I just want to make sure” – there is a look of hurt in her gorgeous green eyes and I suddenly feel guilty. It’s not her fault I can’t bear to be too close to her.

“Lexa sorry hun, I know it’s just you know I don’t like being all vulnerable and stuff but thanks” I give a small shrug as a small gesture of thanks.

Lexa removes her steadying hands from me and the moment she does I miss the warmth of her skin on mine. She sits herself in the slouchy single chair and I sit on the settee. She sits looking at me with her intense green eyes and it was obvious she wanted to say something but wasn’t sure how to say whatever it was.  
“Just spit it out Lexa – I’m not a mind-reader!”

“You should’ve told me all this has been going on and not carry on pretending you’ve been fine” she admonishes. Her eyes are so sad and I know she will worry about me constantly now. This is not what I wanted. I don’t want to have her feel sorry for me.  
“Lex, I’m ok …. or will be. I think the alcohol and with me being so tired and it’s just all built up and my mind was obviously playing tricks on me and it all just pushed me a bit too far and I cracked. I’m sorry but I am ok.” I looked up and her expression showed that although she had accepted what I said she didn’t believe it for one second.  
“I’m tired and I need some sleep and we have classes tomorrow…. well today. You need some sleep too Lex.” I get up from the sofa and walk past her and put my hand on her right shoulder “Thank you Lexa. I’m sorry for worrying you.” And I walk to my bedroom door.  
“C do you want me to come lay with you?” Lexa asks after me just as I’m about to shut my door.

“Thanks but I will be ok. See you in the morning.” I don’t turn around and continue to shut my door.

“See you in the morning Clarke. Shout me if you need anything.” I hear Lexa say thought my door.  
Much as I want Lexa in the bed next to me, much as I want to feel her close to me, I don’t think I can cope with it tonight. Every time she is near me my palms get sweaty and my heart beast so fast that I think it is about to beat right out of my chest. 

I change into my pjs and collapse on my bed. I lay listening for Lexa to go to her own bedroom so that I can go back to the bathroom for a pee and brush my teeth. Whilst laying there I think about her arms wrapped around me whilst I was on the bathroom floor with her head on my shoulder. She has this ability to calm me in a matter of seconds. She is an amazing woman. She is stoic, strong, calm under pressure and fiercely loyal. I am honoured to call her my best friend. I just wish I could have more. I want to taste her plump lips, I want to feel her, touch her where a friend shouldn’t want to touch. My thoughts are broken by hearing the toilet flush and Lexa walk across the hallway and shut her door. I wait a few more minutes and rise from the bed. I tiptoe across my room and open my door as quietly as possible and go to use the bathroom. I’m not sure why I am trying to be so quiet. It’s not like I usually care.  
I go back to bed, curl up with the covers pulled up tightly around me and shut my eyes. I fall asleep with dirty thoughts of my best friend in my mind.  
I’m woken by the smell of freshly brewed coffee what smells like bacon but that must be my mind playing tricks on me as we don’t have a kitchen. I stretch and roll out of bed and shove my feet in my pink fluffy slippers. I open my bedroom door and am greeted by a takeout from IHOP. Lexa is nowhere to be seen.  
“Lex, are you still here?” 

“Just grabbing a shower, I’ve been out and got you some breakkie.” Lexa shouts from behind her closed door.  
Wow she really is amazing. She knows pancakes and bacon from IHOP are my fave way to start the day along with a strong black coffee.  
I sit at the breakfast bench and serve myself some food. I smother it in maple syrup and dig in. I hadn’t realized quite how hungry I am.  
Not long after Lexa appears from her room wearing black chinos and dark grey shirt with her hair loose and still damp from her shower. She blows me away. I look away quickly as I am sure my expression must give away my feelings.  
“Morning C, you ok? You manage to get much sleep?” Lexa asks with a concerned tone.

“Not too bad and thanks for going and grabbing this food. What did I do to deserve this?” I look up to see Lexa opposite me placing some food onto her plate.

“Just thought we needed some form of sustenance before class,” she replied whilst shoveling bacon and pancake into her mouth.  
I sit mesmerized by her. She is just the epitomy of beautiful.

“Freak, what are you staring at? Do I have syrup down my chin or something” to which she jumps up and goes to the mirror on the wall. She looks back at me “you’re a proper weirdo, you know?”  
We continue breakfast in silence and clear away the pots together just as we always do when we manage to grab breakfast together. Last semester, most mornings Costia was here so we hadn’t done this in quite awhile. She was washing and I was drying and as she kept passing me the things to dry she kept catching her hand on mine. I know it is unintentional but each time it happens I get a knot deep in my stomach.  
Just as we finish our chores Lex announces she has to go to the library before class and would meet me outside the lecture hall. I’m thrown by that as Lexa usually has to be dragged literally kicking and screaming to the library. Weird but I don’t think anything more about it.  
“OK see you in a few hours” I shout after her as she goes out of the door.  
I go and get dressed for class later and make sure I’ve got the text book I need. We are both studying different courses but our timetables seem to cross-over with each other quite abit so we tend to go to and from class together and grab lunch – that is whenever Lexa wasn’t with Costia. I’m studying Art History – I’ve always drawn for as long as I can remember and it’s something I want to do with my life long term. Lexa is studying Business Management – she has dreams of running her own business buying and selling property. She has a trust fund, left to her when her parents died when she was a teenager, which she intends to use to start up her business. She gets access to it in a few years on her 25th birthday.  
By the time I stop thinking about Lexa I realise I am going to be later if I don’t get my backside into gear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All work is my own as are errors.  
> Be kind - this is my first attempt at writing - EVER!!!
> 
> Any comments, suggestions etc are welcome.


End file.
